That's right, folks. You read it here first. Bacon has finally be proven to fix just about anything that's wrong with you. The trick, scientists say, is that you have to couple it with a precise blend of chocolate milk shakes and Ruffles potato chips.
"No one's quite sure why it has to be Ruffles," Dr. Chondriac said in an exclusive interview with the author. "We tried Lays, Pringles, Wise, Utz--they all just made us put on about fifty pounds. But when the Ruffles, milk shake, and bacon hits your stomach? BAM! It's like your body unlocks a cheat code. Pure awesome."
The study, which is going to be released next month in The New England Journal of Medicine, used the worldwide population of World of Warcraft players as their subject base. Chondriac explained that the methodology was obvious. "Most of them only eat potato chips and bacon anyway. We paid them in milk shakes, not explaining that was actually part of the test. Still, I think they might have done it just for the free bacon. I mean--who doesn't want free bacon, you know?"
Dr. Chondriac and his associates became convinced back in the early 90s that if anything was going to solve just about every ailment known to humanity, bacon would have to be a part of it. But their early studies proved fruitless. In fact, their infamous "Bacon Only Diet" resulted in a wave of lawsuits that just about brought the doctor to his knees, financially speaking. But somehow he managed to pull through that dark period. True, half the test subjects had died in the experiment, but a few of them had somehow not just remained alive--they'd prospered. Flourished. Dropped weight. Gained muscle mass. Lost their allergies. You name it.
Dr. Chondriac knew the answer was out there.
He studied those few subjects closely for years. "At first I thought it had more to do with leading a sedentary lifestyle--and eating bacon. Maybe the key was in not exercising." But applying that hypothesis on a wide scale proved fruitless. "And it makes sense. Lots of people eat bacon and sit around all day. You don't see them turning into Superman."
The breakthrough came when he discovered that the few had been sneaking junk food on the side. (Junk food other than bacon.) From there, everything just snapped into place.
Dr. Chondriac won't reveal the exact proportions of each ingredient, although he admits that the ratio is key. If you eat just an ounce too much or too little bacon--a few chips more than you should, or half a milkshake less--then the result is just your typical weight gain. You have to eat the right amounts, at the right times, in the right order. "It's kind of like the old Konami code," he said. "Up up down down--you know. There's a big difference between that and just hitting the buttons in any old order."
Sources close to the doctor claim that the secret formula has already been sold to the US government, and indeed, this reporter has found evidence that the government has suddenly been purchasing bags of Ruffles by the crateload, and military pig farms have started springing up in the most unlikely of places. Couple that with the fact that Dairy Queen has received a confidential standing order from an anonymous entity in the Washington DC area, and it's clear something is up. (In after hours trading, Dairy Queen and Ruffles stock has shot through the roof, as has bacon futures.)
Still, with so many dedicated bacon eaters out there, it's only a matter of time until the ratio is discovered. Estimates say millions of people have already been working for years, trying to discover a cure just like this. Now that it's been proven by science, those efforts can only increase. Rumor has it the Chinese government already has over 50 million people working on the problem around the clock, and the Germans aren't far behind.
Truly, we live in exciting, marvelous times.